Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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