I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I just want to make out with him forever
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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