dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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