I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
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