He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I want a musical about memes.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
