some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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