Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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