I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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