Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
