I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
MIDGETS
????
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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