its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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