you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
