How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Randomize
