I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
