he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
A bitchslap is in order.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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