We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
