If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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