She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
