Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
The ass gains better be worth it
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
