Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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