We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
