I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
