chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
