I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
