so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
