you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
