i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
