so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Drunk is not a location!
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
