I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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