R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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