The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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