I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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