She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
