he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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