On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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