Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
