Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
