Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Alive.
So much puke
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
