I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
