Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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