Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
