For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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