i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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