Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
