I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
