so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
