Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
