In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
