I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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