She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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