hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
