I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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