did you get engaged???
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
