My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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