We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
