I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Watching her eat just hurts me
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
