Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
