I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
