I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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