The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
