worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
